Meet Mr. Frat boy Part 3

That has yet to be determined.  I’ve never been very good about talking about my feelings.  I think I’ve gotten better about it, but I think I just wear my feelings on my sleeve and not so much open about actually talking about them.  When I like someone, I feel like I show it by spending time with them, but I don’t often say it.  And really, they don’t know that just spending time with them and actually wanting to is a lot for me.  Probably because I don’t explain that.  But if I don’t like you, I won’t continue to spend time with you.  That should be common knowledge.  I don’t know, I worry too much about rejection and just assume things so I assume others also just assume those same things.  It’s gotten me in plenty of trouble and sticky situations, trust me.  I would rather write down how I’m feeling, hence this blog, then straight up tell someone.  I tell my family I love them.  I tell my friends I care about them, but I have a hard time telling a significant other, or someone I want to be my significant other that I like them, care about them, love them.  I don’t know why.  Any psychologists reading this feel free to email me ha.  Funny thing is though, guys, is that I will tell you if you piss me off, or if I appreciate something you’ve said or done, or if I’m sad, but I don’t express love.  I think it’s because I’ve never truly experienced it.  Who knows…

So I thought I was being clear with my feelings because of how I treated him and the fact that I willingly spent time with him.  That was how I knew I actually cared.  I didn’t willingly spend time with many people.  I wouldn’t have had sex with him if I didn’t care about him.  Obviously I hadn’t done it before.  Wasn’t that enough?  Hell, I even held his fucking hand when we were out shopping and called him to say good night and damnit, all the things I thought you did with someone you cared about.  I’m guessing that wasn’t enough.  I don’t know why.  It’s also not like he said much.  He called me his girlfriend a couple times but we never talked about it.  He never said he loved me or anything.  But as I mentioned, I thought he was my boyfriend.  I thought we were in a good place.  I thought we were exclusive.  I thought we were going at a good pace too.  I didn’t want to move to fast.  We didn’t have to get super serious, but I did like spending time with him and being around him.

So here’s where things start to fall apart because we all knew they would.  Right before Thanksgiving, I was planning to hang out with Mr. Frat but he said he was feeling under the weather.  My friends and I got invited over to the house to hang out with some of our other friends so I decided to go anyway.  We ended up in our friends room playing drinking games and doing what stupid college kids do.  I didn’t stop by Scott’s room when I first got there nor did I think I needed to tell him I was there.  He said he was staying in because he was sick, so I figured I would just go up there later to say goodnight, or stay there, whatever works.  I didn’t see anything wrong with that or hanging out with the other guys for that matter.  There were other girls there and again, I was friends with these guys before I started hanging out with him, he knew all of them, we were all friends together.  I knew he had friends who were females, so it is what it is.  So after winning many games of Circle of Death, I went to say hi to my “boyfriend.” Speaking of which, are there ever actually ever winners in drinking games?  The point is to get drunk, but you don’t want to “lose” because you don’t want to drink too much, but you are playing because you know that you’ll eventually drink.  I told you I was competitive though, so I never wanted to be the asshole in Asshole or be the end of a water fall in Circle of Death, or be the last one to get my quarter in in Quarters.  By the way, I played quarters at the bar the other day with some friends and I still go it!  But still you never want to “lose” at drinking games. It’s kind of silly to play to drink but not want to drink.

So anyway,  after a few more games, I head up to Scott’s room to say hello and see how he’s doing.  I had been drinking for a while and it was sort of late but I figured I’d just wake him up.  Instead of waking him up though, I walk in to find him kneeling in front of a girl who was sitting on his bed.  I couldn’t tell what was going on, but it almost looked like he was kissing her.  Um, what in the ever-loving fuck?!  She immediately pulls away when they hear me walk up and loudly knock and say “hey there!”  Both the door to their living room and the door to his room which was right off of the living room were wide open.  It’s not like I barged in.  I still knocked though to make my presence known. I didn’t want to cause a scene because maybe I didn’t see what I thought I did.  However, you know that that is exactly what you saw, you just don’t want to believe that’s what you saw.  Mr Frat sort of sits back and says, “oh. Hey, what are you doing here?” Excuse me?  What do you mean what am I doing here?  You’d think you’d be happy to see me, considering you were so sick you were going to stay in and sleep.  Obviously not too sick to talk to this broad.  I just stared at him and said, “I’m sorry, don’t let me interrupt,” and started to walk out.  Don’t worry, I didn’t do what most women do and punch her but channeled all my anger towards him instead.  She wiped her eyes and started to get up and said she would leave instead.  “She didn’t mean to bother him, she just needed someone to talk to.”  I looked back at her and realized she looked familiar, she was one of the other frat brother’s girlfriends.  I started to calm down a little bit and told myself I definitely didn’t see what I thought I saw yet I kept walking.  I was, also, still pissed.  Because even though she said she should leave, he told her she didn’t have to and tells me to come back because they were just talking. I walked kept walking…just more slowly, and swore on all that was holy that if he didn’t come after me, I would punch him in the dick and never speak to him again.  Luckily, or maybe not so luckily for me, he did come after me.  Looking back, I wish he hadn’t.  Then I could have been pissed at him and just let him go, rather than get my feelings dragged through the mud the next several months.

Instead, she slinked her way out of his room and past me and he came running and grabbed my hand to bring me back.  He could have been running after her for all I know.  I was still fuming but stupidly couldn’t resist this dude.  He explained that he was staying in for the night and was just watching TV when Abbey came and knocked on his door.  They were “only” talking when I walked up.  Apparently her boyfriend, who was his frat brother, were having troubles and since the two of them were friends, she stopped by to ask his advice.  She was crying and upset and he just helped her out, that was all.  Ok, sure.  He was being a nice guy.  It’s possible.  He could be cocky and douchey at times, but he was always sweet with me and even though he would rib his friends, he still would help them at the drop of a hat.  So he was, at heart, a decent dude.  I mean that’s what I thought.  I was naïve after all.

He started to ask me again what I was doing there since when we talked earlier I didn’t mention that I was coming over.  I told him I was hanging out with Kane and the guys on the 2^nd floor.  I’m surprised he didn’t know, as his roommate was in there hanging out with us.  I guess if you can’t snap a pic and send a text, you wouldn’t be able to send that info as quickly as you can today and his roommate never left to go tell him.  He did, however, tell me a few times that he was upstairs and that I should go up there.  Maybe he was warning me?  Scott seemed to be irritated that I was there though but not hanging out with him.  I explained to him, what I explained to you guys, which was that I’d known Kane before him and we were just friends.  Since he was sick and didn’t want to hang out, even though I did offer to come over anyway, I decided to hang out with my friends.  He was almost accusing me of doing something inappropriate.  He was clearly deflecting his issues onto me and trying to make me feel bad for hanging out with guys without him.  Jealously, might be the right word.  I didn’t really feed into that as I threw it back at him that he was in his room with Abbey alone, at least I was in a room full of people, doing nothing wrong.  Looking back on this experience, he was definitely manipulative. I wish I could see it when it was happening.  But we kind of fought a bit about who was wrong and who was right and proving that neither of us did anything wrong and blah blah blah.  Again, I should have just left and wanted to, but he talked me into staying.  I wanted so badly for this to work, after all.  For him to actually be my boyfriend and to have someone to share things with.  I didn’t want to believe that he was shitty.  So I stayed.  And I made him feel better the only way I knew how at the time.  Didn’t really make me feel better, but it’s never about me.

 

Thanksgiving came and went.  We still hung out regularly, and never really discussed Abbey again.  We talked over Thanksgiving break too, every. Damn. Day.  When we came back from break, we only had a couple weeks before Christmas break.  Of course, during that time there were finals and all that that so it was a stressful and busy time.  We saw each other over the next few weeks, but not nearly as much as we had.  I didn’t have time so I didn’t really worry too much about it.  We’d still chat and we’d still see each other so I thought all was well.  We moved past the Abbey incident.  We still hung out, we still did what we did. I guess I’m not explaining it all that well but I didn’t see cause for concern, is my point.  We went back to the way things were just spent more time a part though it was for things like class and studying.  I should have known though.  I should have seen the signs.  I should have opened my eyes.  But I must have been so deep in lust that I didn’t see it.  I didn’t want to.  I just wanted things to work out.  Stupid young love I guess.  Though I wouldn’t call it actual Love.  You don’t treat people like this when you are in love.  But it was fun while it lasted.